gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My flabber has been gasted.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If snakes were wide
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you