Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Living the best life.. 😊
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.