date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.