DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
People buying plungers never look happy.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.