Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79