DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.