“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking