DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Just got to our Airbnb!
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire