[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?