[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
…żyje?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
inside you are two wolves
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.