Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Why is no one talking about this?!
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.