Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!