Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Which wines pair best with gloating?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
#MeanwhileInCanada
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.