Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.