When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
This is my bus stop.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes