[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Get in loser we’re going crying
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
In banana years, I am bread.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.