DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.