DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
you stereotypes are all alike
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.