DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
dictator is short for richard potato
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
i hate you platonically
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?