Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
What the hell is going on?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*