Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.