Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out