Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
LMAO
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m giving up for Lent.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.