DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
(Musicians.)
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…