My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Why I divorced her.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.