DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You Might Also Like
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Merica.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.