Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime