Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn鈥檛 like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I realize I鈥檓 struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn鈥檛 planning on living this long
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.