When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.