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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…