Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
me and my fake scenarios
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.