date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
181.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”