Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*