DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
You Might Also Like
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*