DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended