Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.