@DaddyJew: Date: you've already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
@Starlight2112: When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
@teenpuke: do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
@Cheeseboy22: Remember, when you're driving in the snow, it's important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don't get stuck.
@ThaJawn: Phill: *gets stung by a stingray
Me: *pees on his wound
Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings
Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery*
"Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?"
I told you, that's not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he's right*