[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…