*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry