[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I don鈥檛 know who needs to see this but don鈥檛 ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
锛帮集锛鸡锛乕ponytail appears]
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.