[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Customer is always right
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.