[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake