[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Breaking news:
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.