[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Best seat on the street 😍
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer