[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
This sounds bad:
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild