[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You Might Also Like
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.