[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.