[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A friend sent me this.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”