[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
A new level of troll.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean