[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
had to make it
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I bet
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed