{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
channeling her this year
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww