[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.